remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
