Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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