So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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