Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
