Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
