Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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