grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
The air was thick with penises
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
