Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
You can't special order awesome
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
