..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
