I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
