OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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