I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
