i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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