the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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