Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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