my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
