Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
