One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
