It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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