My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
