hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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