I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
