we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
And then he peed in my hair
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