Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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