There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I showed him my bush... on skype.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
