Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Randomize
