she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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