I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
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My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
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Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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