did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
These tits shall not be calmed
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
