I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
