I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
