I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
