if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
She just used a chaser for red wine.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
don't judge my taste in strippers
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
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