im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
