Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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