He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
