I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
