I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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