im drinking this country out of the recession.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
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you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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