I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
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