I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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