Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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