just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
