im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
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I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
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Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex