you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Randomize
