I wish I could teleport
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
