i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Randomize
