I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
