he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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