dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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