so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
