I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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