Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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