I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
