Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
