You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
