We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Brb crying the tears of my youth
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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