my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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