Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I queefed so loud it echoed.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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