I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Randomize
