every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
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