I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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