I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
