I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
